A sure way to lose your mind
by sadistw
Summary: Cannibalistic tomatoes, Angry Chinese men, and black magic! Rated M for erotic burgers.


Damn, he was on his period. It usually came at the end of the month, right now was only the 17th. America huffed in irritation as he shoved wads of tissue into his underwear. Once satisfied that it would hold until he made it home America left the stall to wash his hands. Only he couldn't because he was now in his classroom. He looked over his shoulder at the door he could have sworn led to a stall, but shrugged it off, he had been know to space out.

At the front of the class Mr. Spain was talking about annual tomato day. It was today. Crap, America had forgotten his tomato at home.

Mr. Spain smiled in his usual cheer as he addressed the class, "Alright everyone, time to feed the queen!"

The class got up and one by one fed their little tomatoes to the large one on Mr. Spain's desk. The queen had a big tiara and sat on a large blue pillow. America searched his bag for the tomato he knew he had left at home, then his pockets, Mr Spain could be a scary sonava bit when he wanted, it was best not to piss him off, which means you don't upset his tomato. Ever. While America checked his desk Queen Romato noticed that he was missing a sacrifice, he scanned the room and wailed when his eyes landed on the frantic blond,

"Spain bastard! That bastard didn't give me a tomato, bastard!"

The room went quite. Mr. Spain's smile dropped, "WHERE IS HER TOMATO!?"

America knew better than to say 'at home' so he checked his pockets once more to buy time, though he knew they were empty. Only they weren't. An angry white chicken was now in the dumbfounded blond's hands. It thrashed around violently and drove it's beak into the furious teachers cheek. Mr. Spain screeched, turned blue, and fell over dead. Queen Romato ate the two girls who were obsessing over his crown and fell asleep mumbling about useless bastards. The class, the ones who weren't eaten, began singing 'this is Halloween' and America took that as his cue to leave. With the chicken grasped firmly in hand, he closed the door behind him. Well that was odd, Halloween was month's ago. Now that he though about it the entire day was a bit odd. He was going to ponder it further when he saw England.

"Iggy, dude, you wont believe my day!"

England gave him a funny look, "of all the odd names, why Iggy?"

America blinked. Why Iggy? That's what he always called him, well maybe not always, but certainly a lot. "Um, because that's your name, sorta?"

"No, my name is Arthur, Alfred are you okay?" The Briton leaned forward to feel 'Alfred's' head but the confused blond stepped back.

"Alfred? No, I'm America," How could England forget him? Unless... "Are you really England?"

Arthur chose to ignore the later question, he _had_ just said he wasn't England. His voice was full of worry as he spoke, "No, we're in America, you are Alfred... have you been smoking with Gilbert again?"

Alfred was confused, but Engl- no. Arthur's words were staring to make sense, after all, how could some one be a country? "I'm not America?" he asked once more for clarification,

"No, as I've said, we're in America, I wouldn't want to be in you."

Alfred was nodding in agreement when En- Arthur's words set in. had he just been rejected when he hadn't even asked? Not that he was going to, at least not in that moment, it had been on his mind... what was the point to this? Oh, right, mind blowing rejection, focus Alfred!

While Alfred stumbled over his shattered pride Arthur continued talking.

"I would much rather have you in me." The English man breathed as he leaned forward and ran a hand up Alfred's chest, resting it over his thudding heart.

Arthur was suddenly a very sexual creature and Alfred couldn't help but take notice. Yeah, inside Arthur, that sounded like a very good idea. His entire body was rearing to go and the Briton's emerald eyes were screaming 'take me'. They were alone, they both wanted it, everything was perfect. Which is why Alfred would never understand why his brain chose THAT moment, out of any in his entire life, to start being reasonable.

"I- we can't have sex in school." but he wanted to. Arthur moved his hand, damn, and his worried look returned.

"What are you on about? We're in a Chinese restaurant." Alfred looked around, it was true, when had they gotten here? And why was here better than school? "anyway, we are not having sex until you romance me."

Romance him? Who even said things like that anymore? Alfred wanted to laugh, but he wanted Arthur more so he stood, when had he sat down? As soon as he did Arthur jumped from his seat and pushed him against the table, attacking the American's mouth in a desperate, feral way that made Alfred wonder at his claim to be a 'true English gentleman'.

"I thought I was 'pose to romance you?" he questioned, proud of not laughing over the word.

" you took too long," Alfred grabbed Arthur's hips to drag him closer but snatched his hands away when Arthur screamed.

"Iggy, I mean, Artie what's-"

"Fuck yes! You know rubber chickens turn me on!" He ground his hips into Alfred's, revealing his sudden erection. Alfred blinked at the chicken he still held. It is rubber now, isn't it?

"eat me big boy, eat me!" Arthur was no longer in front him. The American turned and picked up the burger on the table, it had bushy eyebrows. He took a bite.

"Fuuuuck, yes, again!" What a demanding little burger, Alfred obediently bit into the boy... burger, again, causing another moan. Needs ketchup.

"OH! OH baby, spread my buns, spread 'em!" some ketchup drip down the side of the bun and Alfred licked it off, Arthur shook in his hand. At Arthur burger's request- demand- Alfred took another bite. One more and Arthur gave a loud scream. Mayonnaise came pouring out of him. Funny, Alfred didn't remember tasting any.

Arthur burger sighed in exhaustion, " Alfred turn off the telly, that angry Asian is glaring at us," Alfred turned, surprised to see and angry china, no, something told him the man's name was Yao, standing behind him. His face was comically red.

"You can not do that here!" The Chinese man seemed to have more to say but was forced to cut his lecture short when his pony tail fell to the ground. He bent to pick it up and clipped it back into place, not noticing a gaping Alfred.

"Chi- Yao! Your hair, it's fake?" The American suddenly felt like he had been whisked into another world. Just what else was fake? He glanced warily at the sleeping burger's eyebrows.

"Do not change subject, you can not have sex with your boyfriend on my table, there are children here!" What? He was just eating a burger, a very sexy burger, but still, hardly anything R rated. Alfred turned to pick up Arthur burger but found himself faced with a a sleeping Englishman instead. A very naked Englishman.

Alfred struggled to come up with an excuse that would please the Asian man who definitely was not holding that frying pan a second ago. "I... uh, he was a burger," When in doubt stick with the truth, right?

"I call cops now," nope. In a panic Alfred scooped up the sleeping teen and sped out the door. He heard police sirens and turned his head to see a bunch of angry Germans chasing after him. "Let me go you bully!" Arthur yelled in his arms, but that didn't sound like Arthur. Alfred gasped and dropped the naked boy.

"Sealand!?" but where was Arthur?

" Yes, you jerk. And it's extremely rude to drop me after kidnapping me like that."

"Wait, you know your a country?"

Sealand's eyes lit up, was America recognizing him? "Yes! I am the smallest country, Sealand!"

Sealand was a county now? Odd. "Yeah well, I need to find England," Sealand pouted but nodded, they could discuss their alliance later.

"yes, well my brother-" America never got to know where his brother was, his entire world went black. He awoke what he guessed to be several hours later, he couldn't be certain as there was no clock in the damp room and not windows, upon further inspection Alfred was able to asses that he was now in a basement. In the middle of a suspiciously familiar circle, tied to a, thank god not familiar, chair. There was a faint murmmer before a candle wielding cloak drifted down the stairs. Alfred teared up as he realized who it was.

"please. Please don't do this!" The hooded figure stopped in front of the hysterical blond but said nothing, otherworldly rage could be felt in rolling waves. "I-I'm sorry I called you a bitch! So please, don't kill me, Bloody Mary!" There was a hiss beneath the robes and a hand reached for Alfred. Alfred screamed and began babbling something that sounded like 'Japan made me'. The hand came down hard against his left cheek, snapping his head to the right.

"I'm not Bloody Mary, you delusional bloody wanker!"

"I... Artie?" The hood was pulled back some to reveal that it was indeed his English friend. "I'm so happy to see you!" Now he could get him out before that bitch came for real. Arthur's face darkened

"Happy to see me... wouldn't you rather see my brother?" Alfred felt he was missing something, what brother, he did know he had like twenty right?

"Uh, I don't get it..."

"DON'T PLAY AROUND WITH ME!" Alfred flinched back, Arthur looked murderous, which was worry since they were the only two in the room. Arthur continued much quieter. " I saw you with Peter, I don't need your excuses,Ii'm just going to kill you and then we can get over this." As he said this he pulled out a knife, nicked Alfred with it and let his blood drip onto the circle, which began glowing.

Alfred began to panic, not because he thought the circle would do anything, Arthur's magic never worked, but because his very angry boyfriend was holding a knife while Alfred was strapped to a chair and the Brit seemed to believe he had cheated. With Peter. He had to do something fast or he was so screwed. The United States of America would have no reason to fear a little blade, but he wasn't sure how well 'Alfred's' body would hold up.

"Artie, please calm down, this is just a huge misunderstanding. Lets talk this out." No need to go all crazy axe murderer.

"hmmm, no, there will be no talking, love, and I am calm, Alfred," Arthur sat the blade down gently on Alfred's lap and cupped his face with soft hands. "I love you." Arthur smiled, it was one of those warm smiles Alfred remembered receiving almost every day when he was young America, the smile that always made his entire body feel warm and caused his heart to throb rapidly in his little chest. Alfred's heart was thudding even now as Arthur pulled away, emerald eyes warm, sincere even as he held his hand above the shining circle and began to chant. Alfred felt a sudden great pain akin to having his skin repeatedly torn off and stitched back on with a dull needle. He opened his mouth to scream but couldn't utter a sound through the overwhelming pain. Thankfully Alfred soon passed out.

Alfred received the world slowly, the hazy pink blobs before him sluggishly shifted to hazy red. Prussia was asking him questions that he was too out of it to answer. Alfred muttered something and shook the fallen nation off him, he slid into the couch while Alfred struggled to his feet. That had been a weird dream. With the fuzz mostly gone from his head Alfred... America could tell that it was indeed a dream. It had been really odd, just what the hell was he smoking?

"Are you sure you're al'ite... dude..." Prussia's giggle sounded out at slow drawl just like his sentence. America notice the smoke climbing from his left hand, it must be the reason the albino's usually sharp gaze was so faded. America also notice he had one in his own hand. Oh. He dropped it he was about to tell Prussia to put his out when he remembered something. He ran to the door but tripped over the half nation's feet. "HEY! What? Where ya goin'... dude?" Prussia giggled as America struggled to his feet and shot to the door.

"Yao's ponytail is fake! I have to check Artie's eye brows!" With that he was out the door. Prussia looked down at the joint in his hand 'Yao, Artie, who the hell are they?' He threw the drug on the table, If it messed with a powerful nation like America, He didn't want to know what it would to to him. Prussia made himself comfortable on the couch, he would quit smoking that stuff... for a while.

* * *

Dude... I don't know. I was going for humor since I struggle with that but... THIS happened.  
I'm putting it under humor anyway, and romance because they totally did it!  
Let me know what you think, dudes!


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